i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
