I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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