just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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