you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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