Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
