My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
