Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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