I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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