the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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