we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
sarcasm needs its own font
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You have to summon your inner elephant
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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