Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
