Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
