i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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