He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
