Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
