I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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