totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
