I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
