i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
