I want to make a zoo with you.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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