I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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