I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
