I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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