Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
This house was built for laser tag.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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