she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she told me i tasted like america
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
