if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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