At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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