Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize