i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
