Whod you bang
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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