All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
