Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
