Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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