you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize