i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
