He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize