I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
