I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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