you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
