i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
