girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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