My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize