There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
