Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize