exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
