I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
