just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
