you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
