Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
