I think im going to throw up on grandma
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
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