If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
