if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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