I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
