I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
