it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize