I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
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