I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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