Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
